I am sitting here in the church office, about two hours before the start of our Divine Service, and I can’t help but think about the previous week. Here are just a few highlighted bullets:

- My life pre-clergy was exceedingly fluid – every aspect of my life moved quickly. I never got worn out because the events that made up my life changed everyday. Did I get tired of doing what could be considered “the same thing” day after day? No. The rush I felt when I talked and wrote was second to none. I laugh, but it is true – my first real “vacation” from the time my college days ended to the day I walked onto the campus of Concordia Theological Seminary in Fort Wayne was that day I packed up my car to leave New York.

Fluidity in the pastoral office is a given. “Things” come up at all hours of the day. I may want my day to go smoothly, but people get sick, go through hardships, suffer pain or do their best to cover it up — and then I go to work bringing, in my small way, the love of God through Christ Jesus. But that’s what I do – I throw myself into my work – that’s just how I am and will always be. This type of personality does have its drawbacks, however: I worry that what I am doing isn’t going to go just right. Take the recent letter sent home from our church office. I wrote the letter and after it was printed, I noticed that the computer’s spell-check missed a word. I sat down and spent hours correcting the mistake in the letter before signing each one and sending it out.

- I’ve spent years battling a personality that promoted laziness and shyness. Oh, how I hated feeling lazy! And the shyness – my goodness!! I was afraid to say ”good morning” to people when I was a kid or teenager. I was even named the quietest person in my graduating high school class. Shy and quiet … then couple the “lazy” problem on top of it! I was always feeling bad about myself. If I was born just a few years later, I probably would have been put on some of those designer drugs psychotherapists pass out like candy today. These were problems throughout my growing up years and after college, I vowed to beat them back every chance I had. Keeping on top of it is a challenge. Most of the time, I win the battle.

But that doesn’t mean the shyness or the laziness don’t poke their heads up every now and then. Once in a while, I do get that feeling that I’m not good enough.

Thanks be to God that He is there to kick me in the pants and wake me up! He keeps me moving forward and keeps me in a good frame of mind.

- Someone asked me this week about my “social” life. I laughed. I don’t really have one.

Don’t think it – I already know it — that’s just pathetic.

Maybe I am making “penance” from my previous life. Maybe my mind thinks I have to lock myself up like some cloistered monk for all those things I said, wrote, and did to others in those long forgotten years.

Or maybe I just don’t really know. Maybe I am taming my personality to a point where I am purposely “boring” myself.

I don’t know.

- My post about caring got a few responses from friends and acquaintances via email or telephone. Some were a little harsh, saying that I take things too seriously and need to take my foot off the accelerator. They explained that as a pastor, I can only do so much; of which I agreed – but that doesn’t stop the caring and the worrying. I don’t think I will ever change.